Smack!

I've thought quite a bit about forgiveness over the last few days.

I worked with a young child, a very troubled one, the other day. He was manipulative, difficult, smart, hyperactive, lonely, and I was trying my best to be patient, kind, long-suffering, helpful (but not too helpful) as he did his school assignment. All at once he took off running and I pulled him back to his chair with a firm grip. I bent down to firmly remind him what the rules were. He rewarded me with his foot, delivered sharply to the side of my head. My ear rang and my head throbbed. He immediately looked stricken. I suppose our expressions were quite similar.

I wasn't angry - well, maybe for a minute. I delivered him to the care of another staff member and quickly left for lunch. When I got back, I went about my duties. Suddenly there was his little face, having been prompted by my co-worker to deliver an apology. He seemed sincere, and when I told him it was alright and I wasn't angry, he grabbed me in a tight hug, then ran off. I felt better and so did he, I think.

The next day, I was at a stop sign behind two other vehicles, one small and, behind it, one full-size truck. Another car was behind me. Suddenly the truck's reverse lamps came on and he backed into my front bumper quite forcefully. I don't think he saw me there, but there was no mistaking the collision. I waited a few seconds, expecting the driver to get out and check for damage. Instead, he pulled out and zoomed off! There I was with that same stricken expression - "wha-?!"

This time I was angry, and much more than a minute! I was fortunate that there were only two scratches on the bumper. I wouldn't have to call the insurance company. My car was fully functional and really looked good, considering the force of the blow. The only thing injured was my sense of justice. How dare he! But after a while I realized I was being foolish. If the man had stopped and apologized, I would have gladly forgiven him. It was just a mistake. But he panicked and ran. Perhaps he had a suspended license, too many points, no insurance. Who knows? But I realized the outcome was the same, whether he apologized or not. Whether I forgave or not decided how much damage I would do to myself. I wish he had stopped. Then he'd know that I would have let him go, I wouldn't have been angry, and then he wouldn't have to wonder or feel guilty. I can't control that, though. I can only control what I feel. So Mr. Truck driver, it's ok. I'm not angry.

Now I feel better. I wish you could, too.