On Apologies

I've been thinking about the art and spiritual aspects of apologies and forgiveness for a while. Some of my thoughts in this vein have been triggered by work experiences, most by my own need to do and be a better person. At the age of 53, I'm really coming to terms with some of my deficits. Here's to correcting them!

The purpose of an apology is to restore good feelings between you and someone you care about when a mistake or misunderstanding has occurred. We all make mistakes within relationships. Problems come when we don't quickly identify - and then take responsibility for - those mistakes. When time passes, feelings harden.

Rick Miller, Professor at the School of Family Life, BYU, said:

 In order to be effective, an apology must be sincere and heartfelt. There needs to be evidence that you are truly sorry and that you are remorseful that you have hurt or offended your spouse. A flippant “sorry” rarely helps heal hurt feelings. In addition, a sincere apology includes taking responsibility for your mistake or offense. Too many apologies are poorly masked attempts to shift the responsibility for the problem to your spouse. “I’m sorry that you took my comments the wrong way” or the classic “I’m sorry that you can’t take a simple joke” are not really apologies. Instead, they are clumsy ways of manipulating the situation in order to place the blame on your spouse. 

Making excuses for mistakes is another good way to avoid taking responsibility. Even though the excuse may be valid, including it as part of your apology undermines your sincerity. Saying “I’m really sorry that I snapped at you this morning, but I didn’t get much sleep last night” doesn’t work very well because you are passing responsibility for your poor behavior to a lack of sleep. Just apologize. If you want to provide some justification for your subpar behavior, do it later, after the hurt feelings have been smoothed over. 

I have found that effective apologies usually come in complete sentences. A simple “sorry” or the far more eloquent “sorry about that” rarely provides the necessary evidence that you feel remorseful and that you are taking appropriate responsibility for your actions. Even the current fad of saying “my bad” (with the dutiful patting of your chest) is usually inadequate—unless, I guess, you are in the middle of a coed intramural basketball game. It is much more healing to say: “I’m sorry that I didn’t do the dishes last night like I agreed to. It wasn’t right, and I apologize”—two full and complete sentences. A full and complete apology that comes packaged in complete sentences will do wonders in healing hurts.  

Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once. When an offense is especially hurtful, one apology usually isn’t enough. It is so healing for the offended spouse to hear sometime after the initial apology, “I’ve been thinking about it, and I realize that I really blew it. Please accept my apology.” When working with couples who are dealing with a difficult issue, I have heard countless people say to me, “I have already apologized. Why doesn’t my spouse just get over it?” I explain to them that it sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology sinks into the wounded heart of an offended spouse. 

How To Apologize, Really
What constitutes a sincere apology? Here are the steps. No varnish, no blame, no equivocating. Just full-on responsibility.
1) I admit I made a mistake,
2) I know it was my fault,
3) I can see that what I did hurt you,
4) I am sorry,
5) I will do whatever I need to do to make it better.
If your friend/family/co-worker apologized to you in this way, how could you doubt their sincerity, their concern for you and willingness to work on your relationship? 


Daily Quote:
A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.  ~ G.K. Chesterton