"Normal Grief Reactions" - by Andy McNiel

Mr McNiel is a therapist associated with The Amelia Center, a Birmingham, AL community supported grief counseling service.  Below is his article, which appears in the Nov-Dec edition of their newsletter, Tears To Hope.

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Grieving over the death of a special person in our life is a normal part of our design as human beings. It is normal for us to experience significant changes in our behavior, mood and general outlook on life. quite often these grief reactions interfere with the way we are accustomed to functioning. Yet, defining what are "normal" reactions to grief can be a little more difficult, because though there are universal experiences shared by bereaved people, there is no "road map" that easily explains exactly what a person can expect while grieving.

In this regard, grief is a very individual journey. Grief does not happen in predictable "stages," but quite often feels chaotic. Many people report  that they move in and out of feelings of sadness, anger, and even denial. This is because grief is a struggle and each person's  grief is unique to them as was their relationship with the person who died. Although it might be difficult to clearly define "normal grief," it can be helpful to read about what others have experienced.

The descriptions below are taken from what bereaved people have reported experiencing, but are by no means an exhaustive list. This is not intended to be a "check-list," nor should you expect to experience all these reactions. But, if you do find yourself in this list, take heart that you are not alone. Though your grief over the death of someone special in your life might be the most difficult thing you have ever experienced, the distressing symptoms associated with grief are normal and quite often the intensity will lessen as you adapt to a new set of circumstances in life.

Common feelings associated with grief are...

• A sense of pervading sadness that feels like a weight on your chest; sometimes you feel like you cannot catch your breath.
• Anger or irritability (even an underlying sense of rage) that can sometimes be directed at others, but other times is not directed toward anyone in particular - you just have anger about the death.
• A fear of living without the person who died; sometimes we are afraid to even accept that this person has died.
• Guilt that you did something to cause the person's death; or guilt over certain aspects of your relationship with the person who died.
• Regret over things you wish could have been done differently (If only I would have...) or longing for a different outcome.
• Loneliness, even when surrounded by family and friends, grief can make us feel like we do not fit in with others because of our sadness.
• A sense of longing to be with the person who died.
• Feeling like life "lacks the luster" it once had. Many people express that they feel like they are just going through the motions of pretending to be alright, when inside they are devastated.
• A lack of motivation to perform tasks or duties that you used to be motivated to perform (i.e. cleaning the house, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, etc.)

Common behaviors associated with grief are...

• Decorating your home, office, car or common spaces with pictures of the deceased.
• Avoiding images of the deceased or avoiding their possessions, room or common places or activities they enjoyed.
• Memorializing the deceased through t-shirts, memorabilia and tattoos, etc.
• Difficulty getting up in the morning to start the day.
• Difficulty sleeping (i.e. trouble falling to sleep and /or waking up in the middle of the night and unable to fall back to sleep).
• Isolating yourself from family or friends - not wanting to be around others.
• Avoiding public places so you do not have to encounter other people or things that remind you of your grief (i.e. stores, church/synagogue, etc.)
• Trying to "keep busy" with work, school or other tasks.

Common thoughts associated with grief are...

• Thoughts that this is not fair or asking the question, "Why me?"
• Thinking that no one understands what you are going through.
• Thoughts about dying or wanting to die to be with the person that died.
• Believing that you can never feel happiness again.
• Struggling with questions about faith beliefs (i.e. who would God let this happen? Is there a heaven? etc.)
• Difficulty remembering things.

Here are some important facts and helpful suggestions to remember about grief.

• Grief takes much longer than you, or others in your life, think it should.
• Grief sometimes becomes more intense with time, before it gets better.
• The choices we make in the midst of our grief matter and make a long term impact upon our health and outlook in life.
• Holidays and special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays can be particularly difficult. Making a plan for that day can be helpful as you face these special times of the year. Many people have found it helpful to create rituals that help them honor the memory of the person who died on those special days.
• Making physical activity and exercise a part of your daily routine should be a high priority, no matter  how you might be feeling at the time.
• Be patient with yourself and with the pace of your grief. You cannot "hurry" yourself into a better mood.
• Find an outlet for your grief, whether through talking with a good friend, time alone to reflect on your life, working in the yard or working a hobby that you find fulfilling. Each person is unique and the things that bring hope and support will vary, so explore some different options that best help you to reflect on your life and work through your grief.