I saw it in the library, I think, and then ordered my own copy. The title intrigued me, since I'd just begun working on a psych floor, and I already agreed with this line of thought. But the book is much more than the title would lead you to believe.
Although he does explain why modern psychiatry is hazardous to your mental health, what interested me most is his theory on how the vast majority of mental illness begins, and how we can help ourselves and our loved ones by practicing choice theory.
He explains that to be happy, we must have happy, mutually fulfilling relationships that help us satisfy the five basic needs. Yet our society is immersed in what he calls external control, using mild psychological force to get our way, what we think we deserve, and what we think is right for others, actions which sabotage the very relationships we need to be happy.Choice Theory® states that:
- all we do is behave,
- that almost all behavior is chosen, and
- that we are driven by our genes to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun.
The basis of external control is three false beliefs:
- When we see a red light and stop, the light didn't stop us. We chose to stop, or not, and suffer the consequence. We may say, "He made me angry!" but in truth, we choose our reactions.
- that we can control someone else. He states that most psychological problems are caused by us exerting control on someone or trying to escape control by someone else
- the belief that "I not only know what's right for me, I know what's right for you."
The three false beliefs set us up for the use of what he calls the 7 Deadly Habits of External Control. (the following is a direct quote):
- Criticizing: This, I believe, is the most deadly. In a sense, the others are a variation on this one. I can't conceive of someone who's being criticized saying, "Thank you. I needed that. I appreciate your spending the effort to correct me." People don't like to be criticized, and the more accurate the criticism is, the less they like both you and what you said. Even mild criticism can do a lot of harm. One prolonged exposure can finish the relationship for good. Constructive criticism is the most moronic of all oxymorons.
- Blaming: When you fix blame you harm your relationship. It's not quite as destructive as criticism, but it's close.
- Complaining: If you're the one being complained about, it's very deadly. But it's deadly even you're not the target: you tend to suspect, even if your turn hasn't come, it soon will. Even if the complainer never complains about you, it becomes an irritant to the relationship that may eventually do a lot of damage.
- Nagging: If you've told someone half a dozen times to do something, take my word for it, he's heard you. Telling him another twenty times will only increase his resolve to pay no attention to what you want.
- Threatening
- Punishing (both are self-explanatory)
- Rewarding to control: In the law, it's called bribing. People like to be rewarded, but they don't like the person who rewards them if, to get the reward, they have to accept control. Don't get me wrong. I believe in rewards, but not if something is wanted in return. It's not that I don't want recognition; almost all of us do if what we've done is praiseworthy. But if it's to control me, I'm not interested. The key to giving a reward is to decide if it will help or harm a relationship. A good message is, I reward your effort but I want nothing in return. Even though it's not asked for, when you are rewarded without control, you often get the idea, I'd like to do something for the person that gave me the reward. Accept any non-controlling reward with thanks
Choice Theory alternatives to the seven deadly habits are:
- Supporting
- Encouraging
- Listening
- Accepting
- Trusting
- Respecting
- Negotiating differences
to be cont.
1 comment:
I want to read this book!
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